Detention!

You read the title of this post correctly... Lin came home from school yesterday with a detention slip!! Now before you get all freaked out, it's really not that bad. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here's the story:

Lin's school is somewhat in the shape of a "T". Her 2nd hour is on one side of the top of the T, her third hour is on the other side. And her locker is at the base of the T. 3rd hour is band and unfortunately for Lin, she forgot to take her flute to her 2nd hour class yesterday, so she had to go all the way back to her locker. There are only 4 minutes for the kids to switch classes, and no running in the halls. So guess what? She was late to 3rd hour. And unfortunately for Lin, yesterday was the day the school did what they call a Hall Sweep at the start of 3rd hour. Every kid who was still in the hall when the bell rang got detention. Bummer!

Dave was upset with the school for giving out detentions for something so minor, and rightfully so, especially when Lin has been a model student so far. But being the hard-nosed, rules-are-rules Mama I am, my thought is, yes it stinks, but I bet she doesn't ever forget to bring her flute to 2nd hour again...

So on Monday she will have to eat her lunch at the "detention table." Which is really no big deal for Lin because she eats lunch alone anyway.

Now, some of you may be wondering why Lin eats lunch alone, since I have mentioned that there is another Chinese girl in all of Lin's classes, and that I thought the two girls were friends. Well, that brings me to the second part of my post...

While explaining to Lin what detention means, she asked me if the teacher would hit her and/or refuse to let her eat. I thought she was referring to school punishments in China, and I immediately reassured her over and over that in America a teacher will never hit her or not allow her to eat. Then she tells me that this other little Chinese girl had had detention a couple weeks ago, and that she had told Lin this is what happened to her. I said no, no, no, and again told her that this doesn't happen in America... and then you better believe I got on the phone with the school!

I had quite a pleasant conversation with Lin's ESL teacher, and it turns out this other Chinese student is a bit of a trouble-maker. She fabricates stories, is disruptive in class, doesn't do her work or else intentionally does it incorrectly, and flat-out refuses to speak English to her teachers. In fact, Lin's teacher was glad I called because she wanted me to ask Lin whether or not this other student is bothering Lin.

So Lin and I had a nice long chat, via online translator, and it sounds to me like I've got a pretty bright daughter! Lin said, in English, "Yeah, she's a little bit crazy" when I asked her about this other girl. She knows that this girl is not a good student and it sounds like Lin has distanced herself from her. Pretty smart, that one! Yeah, it's rotten that the only other kid Lin can speak to in her own language turns out to be a little stinker, but Lin really does seem fine. She's exceptionally mature, in that regard.

I typed into the translator, "Dad and I are very proud of you. Do you know that?" and she said "Sometimes" and then laughed and said "I know, I know." All in all, it was a good conversation.

But yes, she will serve detention...

Do me a favor, those of you reading this who actually know us and see us in person, please don't mention anything to Lin about her detention. It's probably not the kind of thing she wants other people to know about. Yes, I feel hypocritical for blogging about it, but I can trust you... right?

Happy 13th Birthday, Lin!!!

Today my girl is 13 years old!!

Happy, happy birthday, Lin!!!

 

Lin and Ruby, on top of Dad's car



Lin's glorious birthday cake... Sinfully delicious! (The leftovers are MINE!)



One of Lin's birthday presents: getting her ears pierced!

 

Showing off her new earrings and her new iP*d

Enjoying a birthday bike ride

Getting ready to open a plethora of presents

Isn't her smile sweeter than any cake?

Where's my birthday dinner?!

Enjoying noodles at the best asian bistro in the Midwest

Baba and mei mei having a good time



Chopsticks... the multi-use wondertool

 

As Promised... Almost

As promised, here follows a far more upbeat post than my last two.

However,  I do not have any pictures to share. I'm so sorry! First of all, our camera has gone to Camera Heaven after being left outside in the rain the other night. And secondly, Lin has taken a few pictures with her camera in the last few days, but that means that there are very few pictures of Lin, and all the other pictures are of Ruby with one or more of her friends. As I am not the parent of those children, I don't feel comfortable posting their pictures. So... no pics.

But I will take this opportunity to fill you in on just how fabulous Lin is doing in school. What a champ! Two of her teachers sent home nice notes with her today. Her math teacher recognized her for having turned in all her homework and for always giving 100%. And her band teacher wrote a note for us telling us how hard Lin works (she's learning to play the flute). When I explained to Lin what her teachers said, she asked why. I told her that her teachers know that she has to work harder than everyone else because she is still learning English, and her face just glowed. I said it before, but it's worth repeating, this girl really is smart. I'm just so excited to see her continue to blossom and learn, and to think of what the future may hold for her.

Lin got a haircut the other night -- about 3 or 4 inches cut off, by her own choice. It's so pretty! And she's been wearing her glasses a bit more now that school is in full-swing. I can't describe it, but she just walks with an air of confidence about her. It's the little things that most of us take for granted every day -- the way she says "Hey, mama" when I pick her up from school; the way she goes into the kitchen and gets herself something to drink; the way she goes into my bathroom and helps herself to my nail polish remover, without asking permission first. For the last few months this house, this town is where Lin has lived. But lately, I get the feeling that this is truly becoming Lin's home.

Keeping Track of My Days

I am amazed by the many families I know of who have more than 2 or 3 children. I'm talking the families of 6, 7, 10 kids. Seriously, how do you survive? I am having trouble keeping track of my own brain now that I am the mother of two!

The house always seems to be dirty. I don't mean cluttered. I mean dirt. My kitchen floor is disgusting! And why? My new child is 12, it's not like she's a baby who spits food out onto the floor. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my laundry has increased, or the dishes in my sink have multiplied. But the dirt! What is happening here?!

I apologize for the unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails. I've got a few of each hanging over my head. And the online groups I belong to -- I do read the messages with every intention of getting back into the discussion, but I just don't have the time. My first conscious thought of the day today was "Oh, I still haven't figured out the bills." (Not to worry, nearly all our bills are paid automatically, so I can't think of anything that will be late, but I really should at least take a look at our checking account balance...) I hate starting my day with a mini anxiety attack.

And it's not like we are a super-busy family, either. Ruby takes a gymnastics class one day a week. Lin might start taking tennis lessons, but we have not committed to anything yet. But other than school and church, that's it. Why do I feel so disorganized when all we do is go to school and work, and then come home?

Someone tell me, will I gradually get my organizational skill back? Or is this my new normal?

(Next post will be more upbeat, and have pictures, I promise!)

It's Not Always Easy

Let me start this post by making clear, I am writing this for the people who are reading this blog because they are preparing to bring home their own older adopted child, or are already home with their new son or daughter. So don't worry, friends and family -- we're still doing fine...

The day before we were to fly back home from Shanghai, after adopting Lin and knowing her for all of 8 days, Dave and I said to each other that we couldn't think of one thing we wish would have gone better. Our experience with Lin was, and continues to be, amazing. Simply amazing. How could we ever imagine that this girl, who spent 2 years with her birth family and 10 years in an orphanage, would come to us so happy and so willing to be a part of our family.

That being said, we do have our moments. I am writing this with several days' hindsight after a pretty rough weekend. We were told to expect Lin to be immature for her age. I thought that meant that she would be interested in Barbie dolls and Legos. That wasn't the case (she likes boy-bands and nail polish like any pre-teen) but I've come to recognize that immaturity in other ways. With the help of our family counselor, I am now able to see that Lin often acts very much like her 3-year-old sister. She constantly "pesters" me -- she tickles and pokes at me, she pretends to grab the wheel while I'm driving, she sits and stares at me while I'm trying to read a book. I call it annoying. Our counselor called it attention-seeking -- like a toddler. When Lin does these things she is demanding my attention. I have to learn not to be annoyed by it, but rather to take those moments and give Lin the attention she is craving.

What is often so hard to remember is that, it's fantastic that Lin is demanding my attention. She is demanding that we form a bond between us. Not all adoptive parents are so lucky. Lin could easily shut herself in her room every day and shut us out of her head. She refuses to do this and I need to remind myself to be thankful for this.

Lin's immaturity also comes through when she's upset about something. Here's what happened on Thursday night: we were eating dinner and Lin was goofing around and opening her mouth with food in it. I've told her over and over again not to do this. So when it continued to happen this particular night, I got mad. I told her that the next time I saw her open her mouth or stick her tongue out with food on it, I would ask her to leave the table. She told me just not to look at her. I said no, and I repeated what would happen if she did it again. She then started saying that she would leave the house if I told her to leave the table. I countered by saying, don't worry about where you're going to go, just don't do it in the first place. It was then that things began to escalate.

Lin started whining and stomping her feet. She said over and over "You mad at me." When I would try to talk to her she would say "You no listen me." When I tried to get her to stop talking so that I could say something she accused me of not wanting her to talk to me. She said that I don't love her. She said that I don't want her to be my daughter. On and on this went, Lin whining, not looking at me, refusing to let me speak. We were in a downward spiral and I couldn't see the bottom.

Her school had an open house that night, so in the midst of this we were trying to get ready to go. So this continued into the car. Lin refused to buckle her own seatbelt and demanded I do it for her. She refused to shut the car door. When we got to the school it was the reverse -- I had to open the door for her and unbuckle her seatbelt. Inside the school I asked her where her locker was. "I don't know" was the reply. In fact, "I don't know" was the response I got when I asked her where her classes were, where she sits in each class, etc. If she did say something and I asked her to repeat herself, she would whine "Mama you no listen me" and stomp her foot. If she half-heartedly pointed something out and I didn't see it, she would whine "Mama you no look-ah me. Mama you no watch." More than once I almost turned around and walked out of the school, I was so frustrated.

Lin finally did apologize for her behavior after we were home. I will give her all the credit for that. But it was after probably two hours of this, non-stop.

So, this is what we're dealing with. Fortunately scenes like this don't happen every day, but we did have a rather long weekend with several stints of this type of behavior. It's not always easy. And again, I'm writing this not to be a downer and for people to think we're regretting bringing Lin into our lives. Far from it! But for those of you who are thinking about older-child adoption, or are preparing to bring home your older child, or who are already home and may be seeing the same behaviors, this was for you.

A Great Day at School!

Ruby's first-ever day at preschool was yesterday! She was so excited. She goes to school on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and on most days she will walk to school from daycare. But yesterday I stopped in to walk with her and the other kids. I say walk with her, but in reality the kids nearly sprinted down the sidewalk while the adults followed behind. It was ridiculously cute! When we got there all the kids gathered outside until the teacher told them they could go in, and Ruby was the first one in the door!

When I got there to pick her up after school the first thing she said to me was "We climbed out a window!" so they must have practiced a fire-drill, I guess. And when Lin sat down to do her homework last night Ruby insisted she had homework, too. So she got out her crayons, scissors and construction paper and got to "work." What a sweetie!

And speaking of Lin, she also had a great day at school. There was a new student at school yesterday -- another Chinese girl who speaks no English! I'm thrilled!! The guidance counselor told Dave that the two girls would have all their classes together, except for Band, and Lin told me they ate lunch together. She also told me this girl asked Lin to be her friend. How sweet! When I picked Lin up from school, the two girls came out of the building together, chattering away. I'm just so happy that they will have each other, to help get them through the day.

Do Not Adjust Your Sets...

As I go back and scan through the blog, I realize that about 75% of the pictures of Lin show her wearing the same plaid purple shirt. The girl does own other clothes! It just so happens that the purple shirt is one of her favorites, not to mention the fact that she looks so cute when she wears it.

One thing about our adopting an older child: we have not stressed too much about her clothes. She would wear the same clothes 2 or even 3 days in a row if she could. I think that's what she was used to in China -- the same outfit for 2 or 3 days and a shower every 2 or 3 days. These first couple months home we've let this go. Now that the official school year has started, I did tell her that she needed to wear a different shirt every day. I explained to her that it didn't matter to me, but that the kids at school might tease her. She rolled her eyes like a good almost-teenager, but she has complied. Her grandma also bought her a ton of new school clothes this weekend, so she has much more variety in her wardrobe now.

Today when she was getting ready for church, there she was in her same old T-shirt, jacket, jeans and flip-flops. I said "Why don't you wear one of your new shirts?" She looked at me and said (in English, the smarty-pants) "You say is-ah for school. School tomorrow. No today."

Hmph. What could I say to that?