Not My Favorite Picture

I intend to keep this blog honest. That's why I'm sharing this picture and telling you that it's not my favorite. Partly because of the scary expression on my face. But mostly because... it's phony.

At the time this picture was taken, I was faking excitement on the news that I would be adopting a 12-year-old girl.


The truth was, I was terrified. For the first 24 hours after getting the news, I panicked. What have we done?!? I am not ready to be raising an adolescent girl! I had only been a mom for a year and a half and, quite frankly, I still feel very insecure about my mothering skills. I don't have enough patience. I get tired too quickly. I'm way too selfish.

So no, right off the bat, I didn't think we were doing the right thing. And I admit here and now, I thought about calling our social worker and telling her we changed our mind.

But I kept that thought to myself.



Shortly after that picture was taken, we went out to eat. After dinner, when Dave went to start up the Jeep, it didn't start. This made me panic even more. We can't afford to adopt again! And now there's something wrong with the Jeep! As we sat there, waiting for Dave's sister to pick us up and take us home, I felt absolutely sick.

There was a turning point however, and it came the next morning at work. I spent the first couple hours that next morning sick to my stomach and getting nothing done. I knew my co-workers were noticing that something was wrong, and so I started working up the nerve to share the news. I was terrified everyone's response would be "What are you thinking?!? What the hell are you doing? Who in their right minds would want to adopt a 12-year-old kid?"

But no one said that. They all, every one of them, congratulated me. Sincerely.


And in that moment I said to myself, "You know what? This is going to be great."