It's Not Always Easy

Let me start this post by making clear, I am writing this for the people who are reading this blog because they are preparing to bring home their own older adopted child, or are already home with their new son or daughter. So don't worry, friends and family -- we're still doing fine...

The day before we were to fly back home from Shanghai, after adopting Lin and knowing her for all of 8 days, Dave and I said to each other that we couldn't think of one thing we wish would have gone better. Our experience with Lin was, and continues to be, amazing. Simply amazing. How could we ever imagine that this girl, who spent 2 years with her birth family and 10 years in an orphanage, would come to us so happy and so willing to be a part of our family.

That being said, we do have our moments. I am writing this with several days' hindsight after a pretty rough weekend. We were told to expect Lin to be immature for her age. I thought that meant that she would be interested in Barbie dolls and Legos. That wasn't the case (she likes boy-bands and nail polish like any pre-teen) but I've come to recognize that immaturity in other ways. With the help of our family counselor, I am now able to see that Lin often acts very much like her 3-year-old sister. She constantly "pesters" me -- she tickles and pokes at me, she pretends to grab the wheel while I'm driving, she sits and stares at me while I'm trying to read a book. I call it annoying. Our counselor called it attention-seeking -- like a toddler. When Lin does these things she is demanding my attention. I have to learn not to be annoyed by it, but rather to take those moments and give Lin the attention she is craving.

What is often so hard to remember is that, it's fantastic that Lin is demanding my attention. She is demanding that we form a bond between us. Not all adoptive parents are so lucky. Lin could easily shut herself in her room every day and shut us out of her head. She refuses to do this and I need to remind myself to be thankful for this.

Lin's immaturity also comes through when she's upset about something. Here's what happened on Thursday night: we were eating dinner and Lin was goofing around and opening her mouth with food in it. I've told her over and over again not to do this. So when it continued to happen this particular night, I got mad. I told her that the next time I saw her open her mouth or stick her tongue out with food on it, I would ask her to leave the table. She told me just not to look at her. I said no, and I repeated what would happen if she did it again. She then started saying that she would leave the house if I told her to leave the table. I countered by saying, don't worry about where you're going to go, just don't do it in the first place. It was then that things began to escalate.

Lin started whining and stomping her feet. She said over and over "You mad at me." When I would try to talk to her she would say "You no listen me." When I tried to get her to stop talking so that I could say something she accused me of not wanting her to talk to me. She said that I don't love her. She said that I don't want her to be my daughter. On and on this went, Lin whining, not looking at me, refusing to let me speak. We were in a downward spiral and I couldn't see the bottom.

Her school had an open house that night, so in the midst of this we were trying to get ready to go. So this continued into the car. Lin refused to buckle her own seatbelt and demanded I do it for her. She refused to shut the car door. When we got to the school it was the reverse -- I had to open the door for her and unbuckle her seatbelt. Inside the school I asked her where her locker was. "I don't know" was the reply. In fact, "I don't know" was the response I got when I asked her where her classes were, where she sits in each class, etc. If she did say something and I asked her to repeat herself, she would whine "Mama you no listen me" and stomp her foot. If she half-heartedly pointed something out and I didn't see it, she would whine "Mama you no look-ah me. Mama you no watch." More than once I almost turned around and walked out of the school, I was so frustrated.

Lin finally did apologize for her behavior after we were home. I will give her all the credit for that. But it was after probably two hours of this, non-stop.

So, this is what we're dealing with. Fortunately scenes like this don't happen every day, but we did have a rather long weekend with several stints of this type of behavior. It's not always easy. And again, I'm writing this not to be a downer and for people to think we're regretting bringing Lin into our lives. Far from it! But for those of you who are thinking about older-child adoption, or are preparing to bring home your older child, or who are already home and may be seeing the same behaviors, this was for you.